The power of sexual fantasy
Is sexual fantasy a useful way to enhance relationships and build intimacy or the last resort of the lonely and desperate? Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall examines why people fantasise and the safest ways to explore these desires.
Is sexual fantasy a useful way to enhance relationships and build intimacy or the last resort of the lonely and desperate? Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall examines why people fantasise and the safest ways to explore these desires.
What are sexual fantasies?
Fantasies are daydreams. Imaginary visions. Whimsical speculations. Wishful thinking. Everybody fantasises at some level. If you've ever imagined what you'd do if you won the lottery, you've used fantasy.
Fantasy is a fundamental part of human nature. We see active imagination as healthy in children (watch them playing and you'll see them lost in a world of their own) but something adults should grow out of. Most people never do, however. Even if we manage to suppress our imagination during the day, all those unconscious passions emerge while we're sleeping.
There's a huge range of personal taste in sexual fantasy, just as there is in everything else. But many people feel uncomfortable with their own fantasies, fearing they're somehow weird if they're turned on by things that are unacceptable to others.
Sexual fantasies may express an aspect of our unconscious mind. For example, fantasies about being submissive or passive may be linked to a desire to experience high sexual arousal without personal responsibility.
But fantasies are simply somewhere we can act out things we might never do in real life, such as having sex in a public place or with a particular person. And sometimes they turn us on precisely because they're not real.
Some people worry that fantasising about someone other than their partner is an act of betrayal, revealing either a desire to be unfaithful or that they are longer turned on by their partner alone.
In fact, this is very rarely the case. Evidence suggests that those who fantasise the most are in happy, loving, trusting relationships. It's in this kind of context that the mind explores places the body has no intention of visiting.
Sex generally starts in the brain. So an active imagination can mean you're ready for sex before anything physical has happened. Therefore, desire is heightened and arousal is much quicker.
Some people find an active fantasy life can add novelty to a long-standing sexual relationship. This can be particularly helpful if your partner is not as sexually adventurous as you are.
But conversely, if you find it embarrassing to experiment in bed, fantasy offers an opportunity to give your imagination free rein and to play out roles. It can be used as a practice arena where you can build confidence before embarking on something new.
In psychosexual therapy, fantasy is often used to block out negative thoughts. If you find during sexual encounters your mind wanders to unhelpful images or thoughts, fantasy can help you to refocus on your sexual pleasure.
If you don't find sexual fantasy comes easily, you can learn. Erotica can help; try exploring bookshops for erotic books and art. There's also a wealth of magazines available to suit any taste. And your local video store will stock a range of films, from romantic and slapstick to thrillers and more explicit 18-rated movies.
Find out what turns you on. Then with the help of relaxation techniques, lie back and allow your mind to build your personal favourite.
The most common male fantasies include:
- having sex with an existing partner
- giving and receiving oral sex
- having sex with more than one person
- being dominant
- being passive and submissive
- reliving a previous experience
- watching others make love
- trying new sexual positions
The most common female fantasies include:
- having sex with an existing partner
- giving and receiving oral sex
- having sex with a new partner
- romantic or exotic locations
- doing something forbidden
- being submissive
- reliving a previous experience
- being found irresistible
- trying new sexual positions
Although some couples find that sharing and acting out their fantasies has increased trust and intimacy, others have not.
Fantasies are extremely personal. There are risks involved in disclosing them, especially to someone you care for. Consider how you'll manage if they don't like your fantasy or if you try acting it out and it just doesn't work.
Sharing fantasies can be liberating, but it's risky. Talk to your partner first about the general theme, then approach with caution.
Sex therapyGetting confident
Porn and censorship
The science of love
Sexual fantasy refers to the mental image of a person, object, or situation, often but certainly not always involving a sexual component. Human sexuality is a dimension of social life that is often rich with many different sorts of fantasies. Sexual fantasies often entail mental scenarios involving persons other than one's regular partner and include sexual activities considered culturally inappropriate or unacceptable.
What Triggers Sexual Fantasies?
People vary considerably in their ability to fantasize and in their enjoyment of this behavior. Fantasies may supplant reality for some or may serve as a poor substitute of sexual reality for others. Fantasies are often triggered by external stimuli, such as an attractive stranger or an erotic picture, movie, or story.
Researchers have varying views on gender differences in fantasizing. Some argue that males are more prone to fantasize while others assert that fantasy is more common among women. Linda Wolfe studied a sample of 15,000 women ages 18-34, and less than three percent said they never fantasize.
Male Sexual Fantasies
In Western societies, males more often use sexually explicit material as a part of fantasy, whereas females are more likely to rely upon romance stories. Females are more likely to prefer erotica with a "softer," more imaginative side rather than the "harder," more explicit forms preferred by many males.
The male fantasy world relies heavily upon novel experiences filled with culturally-defined beautiful women who are always sexually available and free. Pornographic magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse, as well as a wide array of so-called harder publications (because they depict explicit sex acts), attempt to capitalize upon such fantasies.
Female Sexual Fantasies
Women often base their fantasies upon previous sexual experiences and tend to emphasize romance and intimacy. The onset of the women's liberation movement has created a renaissance in erotic fiction aimed at women by women writers and film makers.
"In Women On Top", Nancy Friday maintains that women have started a sexual revolution for equality and should implement it with a rich fantasy life. In her study of over 10,000 women, Friday noted that in recent years women's fantasies have relied more on active, assertive women giving pleasure, as compared to the fantasies containing more passive women receiving pleasure indicated by prior research. These findings suggest the importance of social environment (e.g., the impact of feminism) on the structuring of fantasy.
People generally fantasize when engaging in autoerotic sex or masturbation. In his research findings, the prominent sexologist Alfred C. Kinsey reported that fantasy accompanied masturbation for the majority (sixty-four percent) of females and virtually all males. About two percent of the women in his study sample reported achieving orgasm by fantasy alone. Older females were more prone to fantasize than younger females. Some people, particularly but not solely those from rural areas, have fantasies about sexual contact with animals.
What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?
Having a fantasy about a particular sexual practice or activity does not mean that a person actually wishes to engage in that behavior or that he/she would enjoy the behavior.
While fantasy may enhance actual sexual practices, it should not be assumed that a fantasized behavior represents an unconscious desire. Thus, some women fantasize about being overpowered or even raped by a man, but this does not mean they actually want to be raped.
Similarly, some men fantasize about multiple sexual partners, but would find it emotionally difficult to maintain several simultaneous relationships.
In recent years, there has been a greater openness about fantasy and a greater recognition of how common this behavior is for both men and women.
While fantasy often is treated as an individual behavior, partners sometimes "act out" shared fantasies to enhance their enjoyment of sex. Computers and the internet have contributed to a new arena of fantasy behavior, with extensive electronic exchange of pornography, interactive role-playing communication, fantasy-constructed chat rooms, and other forms of eroticized and non-eroticized fantasy communication among computer users.
Therapists have found that fantasy can be useful in helping patients overcome sexual problems. With the help of a therapist, the individual may, through fantasy, confront the fearful stages of intimacy and lovemaking and reduce or eliminate those fears and apprehensions.
Copyright 2002 Sinclair Intimacy InstituteWomen's Top 10 Sexual Fantasies Written by Krista Jan 04, 2009 Page 1 of 2 sexual fantasies.
Every woman on earth has fantasized about some explicit sexual fantasy that she may or may not have been too ashamed to talk about. Whether it's your girlfriend or your wife, this top ten list is sure to touch on a forbidden fantasy of her own.
Although most women prefer to leave their fantasies at that, others have a list that they are slowly but surely accomplishing. So the next time your woman seems to be wandering off in thought, who knows, she may be cruising around in the mystical world of sexual fantasy.
So do you think you can guess what some of them are? This list took a lot of time to comprise (and a few bottles of red wine as well), and the women's names have been changed to protect their privacy.
So the next time you're engaging in pillow talk with your lady of the night, her fantasy may be more common than you might think.
| drum roll please... |
10. Strangers in the night
Many women relish the idea of meeting up with a mystery man and going to some no-name motel with him for a wild night of uninhibited sex. Sometimes women feel like the only people they can truly let loose with are strangers simply because they won't be judged. And who cares anyway? They'll probably never see the beautiful stranger again.
Francine divulged her perspective, "The idea of sharing a passionate night with a stranger and behaving like a sexual predator doesn't just sound inviting; it sounds delicious. And leaving after we're done without even knowing each other's names is the best part."
9. The more the merrier
Group sex was a popular one among the ladies. "The freedom of being nude in front of a bunch of people who are equally exposed, allowing different men and women to touch and penetrate your body simultaneously is incredibly erotic."
Now don't mistakenly assume that all women want to engage in group intercourse, and gather up all your buddies for your next date (unless, of course, she asks you to).
8. Who's your daddy?
If there's one thing that women are dying to do, it's dominate a man like never before. The creative ideas that flowed from this topic were quite interesting, to say the least. They included:
- spanking him
- ordering him to perform certain sexual acts
- making him beg for what he wants
- having him suck on their stiletto heels or some other phallic object
In today's world of confident women, I was not surprised to learn that many of them fantasize about having an audience whilst engaging in sexual acts with a partner. I guess the idea of knowing that others are getting excited by their "performance" provides them with a feeling of empowerment.
"Imagining that people are watching me while I'm taking my partner's manhood into my mouth gives me a feeling of satisfaction because it makes me feel sexier." Perhaps these women feel as though they're participating in an erotic movie... speaking abstractly, of course.
6. Sexually ravaged
Although most women agreed that they fantasize about having a master, their role in the scenario differed. Whereas some women said that they would surrender to their master's demands, others opposed the idea and said that they would resist and disobey his commands.
Vicky said, "Having him instruct me on how to lick and suck his member or at what pace to ride him will make me orgasm faster than I can say Yes, Master." On the other hand, Denise interrupted saying, "It depends. In some fantasies I obey, yet in others I fight him and refuse to do anything he says until he finally ties me to the bed and calms me with his rhythmic penetration."
Whew, is it hot in here, or is it just me???
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat
Come on, guys, I'm sure you smelled this one coming from miles away (no pun intended... seriously). Yes, virtually every woman wants or will share her body with another woman. Are you jealous because you get left out? Don't be, most of these women want their man to watch them while they work... or play, as the case may be.
"The idea of touching another soft, hairless body and softly sucking her tongue, amongst other things, seems very erotic," said Sara. Actually that does sound pretty inviting, but won't it be difficult for you guys to sit in the corner and just watch? After all, these women don't want you to participate -- okay, one of them did.
4. Leave a good tip
Keeping in mind that the women interviewed are professionals with commendable careers, some of them fantasized about being strippers, while others took things a step further and imagined being prostitutes. Obviously, the fantasy is romanticized beyond belief because the life of either is not so glamorous that women would opt to have it as a career choice.
"While I'm performing a lap dance for my customer, he hands me a $100 bill and requests that I perform the lap dance... minus his pants," Tina boldly stated. When I asked Amber about her prostitution fantasy, she said, "The gentleman would pick me up in his expensive car and I would ride him in the driver's seat in some dingy back alley. He would pay me my fee and I'd be on my way."
3. Two can chew
Most men enjoy being spoiled by two women who fawn over them simultaneously. In the same instance, women also fantasize about having two men all over their bodies. Some wanted a more gentle erotic scene, while the rare few wanted porno-like sex.
One of the most interesting statements regarding two men was having one penetrate her while the other licked her clitoris. It sounds virtually impossible (especially if the guys are not bisexual), but nevertheless intriguing.
Other good ones include having two guys perform cunnilingus simultaneously, or having one guy perform oral sex while the other sucks on her breasts. Oh, and this goes on for hours by the way.
Another woman made no secret of the fact that she wants to be nasty and do all the taboo things that most women would find degrading. She wants to be penetrated from the anus and the vagina, she wants the guys to release their load all over her, and craziest of all, she wants to be blindfolded through it all.
2. Strap me on, I'm going in
By far, one of the most popular fantasies women have is being the man for one night... literally. They would like to act and dress up like a man, and I mean straight down to the penis. That's right, I'm referring to a strap-on penis.
One woman actually had the opportunity to fulfill her fantasy and took full advantage of her boyfriend's willingness. "It was absolutely incredible to be able to penetrate a man and feel the empowerment usually associated with being the aggressor."
"There's something about having a man in a vulnerable position that is an incredible turn-on." Carol admitted. The idea of knowing that we're in the position that is usually assumed by men is probably the most aphrodisiacal element of it all.
1. Ooh, my virgin ears
Although saying "rape fantasy" sounds somewhat unthinkable, that's exactly what most women call it. They want to play the innocent, naïve, unknowing little girl who gets taken advantage of by the devious, predator-like man.
Forcibly pushing her against the wall and "pinning my arms above my head with one hand while the other hand has made its way under my skirt and is fondling my vagina," received nods of approval by all the women in the room. Andrea went even further expecting the man to "rip off my clothes, force open my legs, penetrate me, and concurrently smear my lipstick all over my face with his forceful kiss." Hmmm, interesting.
Guys, please keep in mind that these are fantasies; don't read this article and take it as a reason to get medieval on your women. The reason fantasies are so cherished is because the majority of them will never be realized.
So have you ever heard any of these before? Or better yet, have you ever participated in any of them? Women of the new millennium have established their position in this sexually charged environment... and I mean that exactly how it sounds.
So gentlemen, protect yourselves at all time, and start doing that by getting yourself some condoms. Until next time, enjoy the femme fatale of your fantasies!
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